bad night

2007-03-15T10:51:54+01:00

well it seems as though the venting yesterday sort of helped he did come home and was ok ,he knew I was upset about some stuff he has been doing (emailin 17 year olds on the net telling them he's single and stuff) but I stayed calm I think this made him wary as he asked me if I was his friend I said yes aand didn't make a big fuss as I had already got everything out earliar on this page.
I went to bed early about 9.30 and read for a while and all seemed calm then the baby threw up in the night so the worse thing that can ever happen is when he gets his sleep broken,the name calling and threats started immediatley he threatened to punch me then just kept sniping at me I tried not to react but then I told him I didn't want him doing volunteer work anymore ,this didn't go down too well and he started saying that the kids weren't his and he wasn't letting me go to church anymore I was ugly he didn't love me etc etc.I didn't know what else to do so i scraped my hands down the wall 'cos I didn't know what else to do if I shout he shouts louder, if i scream i'll get hit ,if I hit back I get hit back harder.
I just thought if I hurt myself he would stop I've done it before hoping some one would ask what was wrong with the backs of my hands when they did I told them it was excema ,i know i'm an idiot.
Everything seemed to calm down last night ,then this morning it all kicked off again
he threw the iorn and iorning board across the room kicked me and hit me in the head three times then went downstairs and threw cd's everywhere and broke a dish.
I didn't shout back I sat at the end of the bed not reacting or crying cos I know it gets to him if I dont cry and maybe thats one battle i can win???????
Anyway my instructions are to be a proper woman and clean the house .
He is at work til 2pm so I dont know what will happen later ?
If anyone reading this is calling me stupid or self pitying I totally agree but writing this is a big step for me and I know it's now not a case of if I leave it's when I leave ,I just can't walk off i have to plan it ,so please dont judge me 'cos i dont want to be a victim anymore I want to be a fighter.

Comments

title-1902401

2007-03-14T13:17:29+01:00

so my first post on here I have another blog on a diffrent page but to be honest it's all lies I talk about how happy I am and what a wonderful family I have and how great my boyfriend is.
I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years and we have children together I used to think he was perfect then he moved in with me and the violence started almost immediatley punches ,kicks,hairpulling I'm no angel I wound him up i did used to try and get a reaction out of him I was 19 then it all seemed like a game well i'm 28 now I want to stop playing please.
I sit and wonder how did this happen I used to be so confident and assured and I was a beautiful girl and i never appreciated it now i'm in a violent relationship and I can't get out.
If this was anyone else i would be telling them to leave ,get out ,get this man away from your children I know i should but how can I when everyone thinks he is such a nice person the school think he is amazing his work does our families do for goodness sake he even does volunteer work.
I've told ppl before health visitors ,doctors,police my family his family and it all got put down to us been young and silly now i've learnt not to scream when he hits .
So this will be my vent as i cant sit and keep it all in anymore I dont know why i take it or why he dosent stop he dosent drink,do drugs or had an abusive childhood so is it me ??? I know it's not .
So this is it my life talking to a computer waiting for him to finish work knowing that if i say anything that he dosent like tonight will end in violence or been spat at or awful words ,funny thing is they hurt more than physical actions
"your a bad mother"
"your fat & ugly"
"you stink"
"I hate you"
why would he do this ?
He has beat me whilst i was pregnant the day i came out of hospital after having our baby beat me when i woke up and i was havin a miscarraige (not cos i was losing the baby because i was crying and didn't want to go to the doctors alone) when I was ill ,asleep you name it he's done it.
He dosnet even hurt that much it's slaps not punches ,hairpulling been dragged around and getting kicked sometimes i even think i overeact or i end up wondering if it was because of me or did it really happen.
Am i going mad probably I think today may actually be the day I flip and instead of screaming to myself i'll stand and scream so everyone can here me trouble is will anybody listen ?

Comments

everythings fine

bad night

title-1902401